i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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