I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
