Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
