I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
