Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
