So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
