Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
