Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
