There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
