I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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