guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
