we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You left your phone here
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