he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
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