Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
