It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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