Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he shaved USA in his pubs
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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