I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
