Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
