Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
