Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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