Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
