very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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