i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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