he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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