she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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