Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
