I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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