Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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