i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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