i need an iv and a liver transplant
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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