so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
