I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
