My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I deserve this hangover.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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