How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
