He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
