sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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