guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
