great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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