so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
