In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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