Do you still have your period?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
