god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
