I haven't been this sober since birth.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
