Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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