I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
