we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
