you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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