I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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