Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
zippers are such a cool invention
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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