I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
