I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
