then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
