When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
