i wish there were pregnant emoticons
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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