Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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