ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
We just shotgunned beers for America
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize