The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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