Tell her she can't have a vagina
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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