i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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