There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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