My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
